Death is nothing at all

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland

A thousand years

I was driving home one night this week and I heard this song on the radio for the first time.  This is the song Shannon used to make Angel's video for her first birthday.  It came on at a perfect moment, as I was thinking of her and talking to her a bit.  I will always associate this song with her. 


"A Thousand Years"

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I know the pain all too well

An extended family member passed away suddenly this week. A cousin, a son.   I cry for the family, for the parents especially. I've had a ton of flashbacks this week to the when we lost Angel, what we felt in those first few hours and days, making the arrangements, visiting with her at the funeral home, her service of remembrance.  This death has brought to the surface alot of those feelings and memories for me.  I am trying to rack my brain of how I can help the family - what would I have wanted that would have helped so early on.  I know they are likely in shock and will be for some time.

Jeff and I are going to the visitation and funeral Sunday and Monday.  I am a bit nervous about it. I know the emotions will keep flowing for me. I know the pain of this family all too well.

I also know this isn't about me or about Angel though.  This is about another young person, someone's child, that has left this earth much too soon.  His soul has joined Angel's on the other side.

Parenting decisions & a lone rose

Last weekend I did a major cleanup of Angel's garden for fall. Part of me felt bad cutting back all of the plants...I am not sure why but it made me bit sad knowing the season of bloom was officially over. I was also worried about how to protect Angel's plaque for the winter. If something happened to damage it I would be beyond upset. I talked it over with Jeff about what to do, and we worked together to cover her plaque as best we could.
And it occurred to me, this is the closest thing to a parenting decision that Jeff and I get to do right now. How can we best protect her, her memory and her keepsakes. I will never get to make normal parenting decisions for her, like how to dress her, what kind of routine should I establish, what daycare or school should she go to, what toys should I buy her for her first birthday.
To date my decisions have revolved around what urn to buy her, what kind of funeral should she have, how can I continue to remember and honour her, how can I help others through this loss, how can I pay it forward on her first birthday.
I feel so robbed. Still.
I keep waiting for it to hurt less. I wonder when I won't feel the sharp pain in my heart for her.
As I worked in the garden there was one lone rose in bloom. I find some comfort in its determination. Continuing to grow and flourish despite its environment. I suppose that is what I also need to work towards.

Angel Signs

"Most people believe our children leave "signs" for us to know that they are okay. Seeing those signs help us to keep our sanity. When we know our child is okay -- even in death -- then we can hold fast to the hope that we will be reunited with our child once again in eternity. Look for YOUR signs -- they are there! Watch for the robin in the snow, the sunshine while it's raining, the note appear from nowhere, the missing sock found laying on your bed. Your "sign" will become your peace!"

Yesterday I feel like Angel sent both Jeff and I signs that she was there.

I was at my brother in laws, standing near the door with my keys in my hand. My niece Mya who is 4, grabs Angel's heart keychain and says "I like your heart!" I reply "I know, it's pretty isn't it?" She turns it over in her hand and says "oh and it has a butterfly on it too!" Mya's mom says, "that's for your cousin Angel, remember we talked about her with you?" Mya..."yeah..."
I looked down to hide my eyes welling with tears.
It means a lot that Amanda spoke to Mya about Angel. I also believe this whole dialogue happened to let me know. Was it an Angel sign? I'd like to think so.

Later that night, Mya also noticed Jeff's tattoo, and he asked her what she thought it was.
"A butterfly! They are my favourite!"

Wall tiles

Last night Jackie hosted another face to face meet and we made wall tiles. Here is a photo of the groups work and the two I did for Angel. My baby girl continues to inspire me!

The wall

The wall exists
In our grandparents house
A tribute wall
To all their great grandchildren
All but one, the one that is missing and not discussed
Photos line the wall, with a picture of each at different ages and milestones
Seeing it there my wounds are wripped open
Again I ask myself, why couldn't she be there too?
Instead, her card from her funeral tucked away in another room
Hold back the tears, don't show the hurt, don't ruin the visit
Does anyone else realize she is missing and how much it hurts my heart?