The threshold

I am standing on the threshold between life and death. On the ledge in a scary and unfamiliar place. I don't realize at the time that I have a choice -- or rather even a fork in the road. Stay this course in the depths of sorrow and perhaps join Angel where she is... Or take the other road, which is where everyone else still is. A place of innocence and normalcy I not sure I can relate to again.

The threshold is the most frightening place I have ever been. It has changed me in an instant and forever. While standing on it I thought I was going crazy and that I would be stuck there without a way out.
The threshold was life changing.
I don't know how I got off the threshold exactly but I do know I was led off and at times even carried by others that had been there. Only those that have been there can truly know what it feels like and can reach back to help another.

At times I think about those days and months on the threshold and can't reconcile how I made it through. The darkest of dark, it shakes you to the core. You are ultimately transformed.



.

One day

Like all the butterflies died

This is how it felt the day you left and for many, many days after. Some days it still feels this way.

18 months

The depth of my pain since you left is as deep as the ocean and as high as heaven.
The pain can be all encompassing, suffocating at times.

18 months since I held you in my arms.
Where has the time gone? Sometimes it all feels like a bad dream. Sometimes I want to step out of this life and imagine this did not happen, to me, to us, to Angel.

When we first lost Angel I didn't really know how I could make it. Through the day, the next few weeks or months. And yet here we are a year and a half later. I have felt more like the old me recently, in that I feel stronger and happier. I am able to focus on other things in life, and that is so important from a coping perspective. The grief still creeps up on me for sure but I don't necessarily have the raw emotions of it all, hitting me at every turn.

I am so thankful for what I do have in my life, and for Jeff especially for being there for me each and every day.

I am glad that I may have touched someone else --- Ruth and her loss of Samuel. Hearing that my letter and memory box helped her really affected me.

What I would say to the me on August 11 2011 is that you will have better days. This is something my mom said to me too, in the early weeks after. I didn't believe it at the time. It is impossible to comprehend at the time when you are alone in the forest, completely lost in the pain. But it can happen. You will get there. You will always carry your baby in your heart. You will always feel the sting of the loss. But you will find joy too, in between the grief.

Angel, we love you and miss you so much. Sometimes it rips my heart out. But we are moving forward with you always in our thoughts.

Born in Silence

Approximately 3 million babies are stillborn each year throughout the world.

In the US, that's one baby, one family, every 21 minutes.

This video raises awareness on babies born still....it also talks about the raw emotional turmoil we have each gone through as BLMs.  Grab some kleenex...

Leibster Award

Leibster Award

I have been nominated for the Leibster Award!  Thank you Lindsey at Two Boys Two Pair of Wings! I am very flattered. I have been meaning to post about this for some time and finally had a chance to do so.

 

The Liebster is an award given to bloggers by bloggers. The rules are as follows:



 
("Liebster" is a German word and it means sweetheart, beloved person, darling)
RULES:

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

1. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you.

2. Then, create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.

3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.

4. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.

5. No tag backs.

_____

My responses to Lindsey's questions:

1. Do you work outside the home? If so, what is your profession?

yes, I work for the Ontario Government in Human Resources

 

2. What song most reminds you of your Child(ren)?

A thousand years by Christina Perri

 

3. What are you most looking forward to these days?

Going to Jamaica in March!

 

4. If a genie granted you one wish, what would you wish for?

To have my daughter back, living, and messing up my house with her toys.

 

5. How long have you been married, or been with your significant other?

10 years in August 2013

 

6. What do you do in your spare time?

Blog, hang out with friends and family, read, play word games, watch movies, listen to music, work out

 

7. What resource helped you the most after the loss of your child(ren)?

The blogging world, online and in face support groups, beautiful friendships with BLMs, one on one counselling, a few books - one being "A Grace Disguised, how the soul grows through loss"

 

8. Do you have pets?

We have an aquarium of fish. I want a dog!

 

9. What is your favorite color?

Blue.

 

10. Who is the most supportive person in your life?

There are many and I am lucky, but on a day to day level my husband Jeff

 

11. If you had to live anywhere else, other than where you are currently living, where would it be?

Paris - I love the culture, the romance, the beauty.

 

My nominees are:

1) Domenica at Inspired by Karolina 

2) Beth Morey at Beauty from Ashes

3) Suzanne at Inside, Outside, Upside-Down

4) Kerry at Our New Normal

5) Tisi at Tisi's Tirades

6) Dejah at Nine Months and a Day

7) Dana at Inspired by Jacob

8) Jamie at Notes of Naya

9) Angela at Moeller's Back Home

10) yet to be discovered...

11) yet to be discovered...

Unforutnately I don't have 2 other blogs to list to complete the list of 11 - the other blogs I am following have a large mass of supporters and followers already!! So I will leave those last 2 as yet to be discovered.
 

My nominees - I follow each of you and you inspire and comfort me with your words.  Thank you for being there, and for helping me along my journey.

 

My Nominees' questions:

 

1) What is your favourite memory of the time you spent with your baby?
2) Do you have any resources you would recommend to a new BLM?
3) How long have you been married?
4) What is your favourite place to travel to?
5) If you had all the money in the world, what would you do with it?
6) What reminds you of your baby?
7) What is your favourite season and why?
8) What is your favourite colour?
9) Where do you live?
10) What do you do  (or will you do) to honour your baby on their birthday?
11) What is your biggest wish for 2013?

 

 

 

Ruth

Yesterday I received an unexpected call...out of the blue on a Friday afternoon. It was Ruth, the woman who received the memory box I donated to st Joseph's hospital on Angel's first birthday. It took me a moment to realize what she was saying but then it clicked --- and my heart broke for her. She lost her son Samuel last week, at 23 weeks.
It is beyond comprehending that women have to go through this heartache. I wish no one needed to use that box that I donated. But if that has to be the case, I am glad that it may have helped Ruth during those precious moments with her son.
One thing she said really resonated me and validated that my donation made a difference. She said when she found out her baby was gone, she decided she wouldn't hold him or take photos. Then, when she went to the hospital for induction she was given my box and read my letter. My letter convinced her to hold Samuel and take photos. She said to me how thankful she was for that advice, because even just over a week later, she realizes how precious that time was and how much she will treasure the photos.
I can't help but feel that Angel's life has touched and helped her. That is so very special to me, it has brought tears to my eyes several times just thinking about it.
To know that something important has come from my experience and from Angel's life --- well I can't really describe what that means for me.
It is healing, it is heart breaking, it is love and light.