Choosing your breath: grief is

Images and text that say it all for me...

Choosing your breath: The fear of forgetting

One of the struggles with grief from losing your child is not wanting to let go. Let go of the pain, of their memory, of the sadness - these are at first so intertwined that it is hard to let go of the soul wrenching pieces so you can heal.

This week's exercise is to write what you feel about the following:

I never....

I never want to forget the weight of her in my arms 

I never want to forget what I have learned from her life and loss- the awakening that has taken place in me

I never will feel the same pain I did for her - nothing in life could hurt me as badly

I wonder...

I wonder what she is doing on the other side. Is she happy? Is she safe? 

I wonder what she might have looked like and become, if she was here today

I wonder what is next and I am so thankful that I want to know that, that I have that desire to be here and live again

I wish...

I still wish I had her here - that will never change

I wish others could know how precious life is, and be grateful for every day

Choosing your breath: on being strong

I didn't do the application of this one but the topic does inspire me to write out my feelings.

Baby loss is one of those things that people do shudder to think about it and I am sure are grateful it is not happening to them.  In some ways I don't know how I made it through but when it comes down to it, your body keeps going through the motions, keeps breathing for you, keeps your heart pumping - when you don't know how to take another step. That carried me through in the early days.

The inner strength or resilience took ALOT longer. It took therapy and group supports and friendships with other beautiful loss moms. It took having Jeff to lean on. It took so much self reflection and a shift to being grateful for what I do have. It took letting go - of the guilt and the focus on what should have been. It took forgiveness. It took me taking small steps and then larger steps to live again for me. Just for me. The strong in me took years to build and it still a work in progress.  

Always

Not a victim but a survivor

A dear friend sent me this recently, she was reading and said the third paragraph reminded me of her.

Brings tears to my eyes but in a good way. It is important to acknowledge how far you have come! 

Choosing your breath-the loss of trust in yourself

This week's exercise was to do something ridiculously positive for yourself this week. Going through a stillbirth you definetly feel like your body has betrayed you and it is hard to learn to trust and love your body again, to let go of the feelings of guilt and shame and feel good again.

I love the message behind this week's application, as it is about self-care and finding a way to heal your soul again.

I had a perfect week for this on Crowe lake and was able to reconnect with nature, with Jeff, and with myself in such a peaceful setting.

Four years

As I type that title it is hard to believe four years have passed.

I read this quote the other day that said...

To those of you that roll your eyes and say you barely had them at all...how could we miss them so much in our hearts...

We have seen them live a thousand times...

We have seen their first steps, their first day of school, their weddings and their children. 

We have had them forever in our minds.

Angel would have been starting school this year and that's a milestone that is hard to ignore. So many moments that we've been cheated. My heart will always ache for her and miss her. 

To outsiders maybe I look as I did before - but I know the deep changes she has made to my heart and soul, and I live with her inside my heart as I search for a life with meaning - yet without her here.

Happy birthday Angel!