Choosing your breath: fear and loss

As Francesca said, if anything has lingered in this life after loss, it is fear. Fear was one of the most paralyzingly feelings I felt and continue to feel since the day I lost her.   Rational or not, I know first hand how things change in a moment and I am often waiting for the other shoe to drop. I fear loss of others in my life, and it takes only a small thing to set my mind off - if Jeff isn't home when I expect, I immediately think he has been in an accident. If Mimi isn't at the window when we pull in the driveway, I feel the fear in my chest that something happened to her.

It is not easy controlling the fear. It is something I struggle with as I try to find peace of mind. 

Choosing your breath: everything is different

The quilt

One of my best friends mom made this beautiful quilt for me, in remembrance of Angel.

It was so unexpected and kind. The quilt, and the card and sentiment of it all, brought tears to my eyes. 

I will be hanging this in a special place in my home.

Choosing your breath: the lies grief tell us

I resonate a lot with what Francesca wrote on this topic. I could not see past the grief or my own hurt for a long long time. Even if friends and family had good intentions, I kept most people at arms length for fear of being misunderstood, hurt or triggered. 

I can see now that I did push people away for a long time. It was a coping mechanism and it did feel necessary. 

The problem is that if you do that long enough -- some people will stop trying. Stop reaching out, stop inviting you to the things you turn down.

In that way I do regret turning inward. But  it took time to build myself up again and get to a point where I could be open and trusting and have the strength to do things that used to trigger me so much.

Choosing your breath: grief is

Images and text that say it all for me...

Choosing your breath: The fear of forgetting

One of the struggles with grief from losing your child is not wanting to let go. Let go of the pain, of their memory, of the sadness - these are at first so intertwined that it is hard to let go of the soul wrenching pieces so you can heal.

This week's exercise is to write what you feel about the following:

I never....

I never want to forget the weight of her in my arms 

I never want to forget what I have learned from her life and loss- the awakening that has taken place in me

I never will feel the same pain I did for her - nothing in life could hurt me as badly

I wonder...

I wonder what she is doing on the other side. Is she happy? Is she safe? 

I wonder what she might have looked like and become, if she was here today

I wonder what is next and I am so thankful that I want to know that, that I have that desire to be here and live again

I wish...

I still wish I had her here - that will never change

I wish others could know how precious life is, and be grateful for every day

Choosing your breath: on being strong

I didn't do the application of this one but the topic does inspire me to write out my feelings.

Baby loss is one of those things that people do shudder to think about it and I am sure are grateful it is not happening to them.  In some ways I don't know how I made it through but when it comes down to it, your body keeps going through the motions, keeps breathing for you, keeps your heart pumping - when you don't know how to take another step. That carried me through in the early days.

The inner strength or resilience took ALOT longer. It took therapy and group supports and friendships with other beautiful loss moms. It took having Jeff to lean on. It took so much self reflection and a shift to being grateful for what I do have. It took letting go - of the guilt and the focus on what should have been. It took forgiveness. It took me taking small steps and then larger steps to live again for me. Just for me. The strong in me took years to build and it still a work in progress.