10 months

Dear Angel

It has been 10 months since I held you in my arms.  10 whole months.  With the double digit, it really feels like a significant milestone.  I still think of you so often, many times a day.  Your daddy and I won’t ever stop missing you. 

The other day your Daddy and I were looking at these owls that are living in our cedar tree in the backyard.  A white butterfly flew by next to us and he said "look Angel is here too."

I have been thinking a lot about the day we found out you were gone and the day you were born.  As I have been working on your baby book, it has pulled me back to try to remember details that I can record.  It makes me think about all the things I wish I had done. Like take off your blanket and hat and look at your whole body.  Take more pictures…of you and us holding you…of your hands and feet….I wish I had kept the clothes you wore at the hospital.  How could I not do that?  I wish my brain hadn’t been fogged up with so many drugs. I wish I hadn’t let people make me feel rushed to let go of you.

I am going to be making a memory box to donate the hospital this summer and I hope to help another mom that has lost their baby. In my letter, I will suggest things they could do with their baby, before they leave the hospital. I hope this helps someone else, in your memory.

Angel, your garden is growing so much…we love watching the changes as things fill out and bloom. 

Just like we would have loved watching you develop and grow.  I often wonder what you might have looked like if you had lived, and what kinds of things we would be doing together now.

You have changed me so much.  In losing you, I now live with the firsthand understanding of how life can change immeasurably in an instant.   I am trying so hard to not let this cripple me but rather let it inspire me to live fuller.  My soul has grown larger through suffering, Larger for both joy and suffering, weakness and strength, anger and love, despair and hope.

___

I woke up today to find this photo sent to me from my friend Amanda.  She took the time to write Angel's name in the sand at sunrise this morning, and I am so, so grateful.  This is Corolla Beach on the east coast, where she is on vacation.  Thank you so much!!