Often when I am going into certain social situations, I psych myself up this way, I mentally prepare to not talk about it (because most people don't want to hear about it or remember it, or think that loss could happen to them too). I prepare myself to laugh and smile and make others feel comfortable. Often, this is at the expense of my own comfort and my own feeling of authenticity with people in my life.
The truth is, I am still a multi-faceted person with many interests, many hopes and dreams, and there are alot of other things I like to focus on and talk about.
But I changed on August 10, 2011, and this is me "after Angel." And I have many, many moments each day where I feel the heartbreak of what happened. I have come to accept that this will never go away.
I know there will be moments now, tomorrow, years from now where I will cry for my first born, my little girl. There is no race to the finish.
The grief will be my constant companion. I believe I will finding healing. But not at the expense of forgetting, or ignoring what happened and how it has shaped who I am today.
"Your timeline for healing is yours. Don't be pressured. Honour your own healing process."
Angel defines and shapes me just as any child would define and shape their mother. She existed, she mattered, she is loved and her life has an impact on my world.
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Love this, Jen. So beautifully said. And I totally identify with your experience of the pep talk and putting on your game face...
ReplyDeleteYour words are so beautiful and true. Love this: "Angel defines and shapes me just as any child would define and shape their mother. She existed, she mattered, she is loved and her life has an impact on my world."
ReplyDeleteThank you...
For some reason this post hit me in an especially close place. Our due date was this past weekend, and I've been very much living in the past, thinking about what should have been. I had convinced myself once we moved past the due date, I could start to look forward instead of backwards, start to heal, start to mend. I needed the reminder that it's okay not to do that, that I can still remember, still love, still mourn and deal with this in my own time and in my own way. Thank you.
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