For those who had to give their child back

9 months

Dear Angel

9 months ago today we said hello & goodbye to you.  Soon it will be mother’s day, and I wish I had you in my arms.  This month is a bit hard Angel.  Maybe it is being without you on Mother’s day, or remembering where I was a year ago in May -so many special memories with you, or hurting for the other angel babies that were gone too soon in this month- there are so many moms that I hurt for.

One thing that has helped to heal my heart just a little is planting and caring for your garden. It brings me some joy this spring. I hope you can see the garden we’ve built for you.  One of the flowers started to bloom the other day and I thought of you. 

You gave me a tremendous gift Angel – the opportunity to feel the depth of my love for my child.  Even though you are not here physically, no one can take that away.

I long to feel the soft weight of you,
to welcome you home with kisses on silky round cheeks.
Instead my arms ache with the weight of your absence,
the empty places that were meant for you to grow into.
My love for you will last an eternity.
My hopes and dreams now carried on the fragile wings
of each butterfly passing, compelling me to peace,
to pause, to savour each moment
each flutter in my heart ~ your wings.
Author unknown.

Life illuminated

In commenting on another babyloss mom's blog earlier this week, I told her that I felt life since the loss is illuminated in all aspects.  And it is so true, I feel sorrow deeper, and yet I feel joy stronger, those elucid moments of joy that happen in between the grief.  I still feel many deep and sad emotions about this loss, and I expect to carry that for the rest of my life.  But I do feel hope and joy and gratitude also.  I am grateful that Angel is my daughter and that she has taught me so much about myself and about life.  She has changed me forever, in ways I will continue to discover.

Random acts of kindness

Our neighbour stopped by last night to give us this stone for Angel's garden.  I love it and I love her random act of kindness.  I am grateful to be reminded there are good people in this world, that remember Angel without me expecting or asking for it. 

For you are my child, forever my love is yours

Angel's memorial garden ♥

Well we did it!  I am so excited to share Angel’s garden!

I am going to post a ton of photos, but essentially the landscapers started on Monday and finished by Friday of this week.  They dug up the garden, which is 29 feet by about 6 feet.  It is huge and I love it!  We also got some nice stonework done around the garden. Eventually we will replace the fence behind it.

The plants are small and spaced out, but they are placed in a way that will allows them to grow in width and height.  The grasses at the back are expected to grow up tot 5 or 6 feet tall.  Also none of the plants have  blooms yet but I can’t wait to see how they grow and bloom this season. I picked lots of great colours – apricot roses, daisies, red bee balm, a multi colour butterfly bush….lots of bright colours that will really pop.

Our landscaper Mike took me to Plant World yesterday to pick everything out. We spent an hour and a half choosing everything.  He was describing the memorial garden to one of the sales people at the store who helped us, and he said he wanted it to be full of sensory experiences – sight, smell and sound.  After the sales person stepped away he asked if he described it ok, which I really appreciated.  He then said to me that for the sensory experience of the garden, he wants it to feel like children laughing.  I teared up a bit when he said that.  It means a lot that he cared enough about this project, our memorial garden, to really make it special.  He also took great care to place Angel’s plaque in a special spot, on and surrounded by rocks and plants. 

Here is the list of plants we have in the garden:

Nutmeg Thyme (a creeper plant with purple flowers)

Zebra grass

Physostegia Virgiana (white flowers)

Threadleaf Coreopsis (yellow and red flowers)

Perennial Sage (purple flowers)

Beebalm (red flowers)

Hakonechloa (gold)

Baptisia (purple and yellow flowers)

Fatal Attraction Coneflower (pink flowers)

June Hosta

Princess Margareta rose bush (apricot roses)

Feather Reed Grass

Becky Shasta Daisy

Maggie Daley Astilbe (pink flowers)

Emerald Pink Phlox ( a creeper plant with pink flowers)

Switch Grass

Euphorbia Polychroma (yellow flowers)

Nepeta racemosa (purple flowers)

Tradescantia (gold)

Red Baron Japanese blood grass

Gaillardia Arizona Apricot (orange and yellow flowers)

Wooly thyme (green creeper plant)

Golden Jenny (yellow creeping plant)

Tricolour butterfly bush

Now for the photo bomb….

Before...

Mid project

Garden going in!

Done!!!

Our butterfly bush...it is is supposed to grow to 5 to 6 feet in height, and it is tricolour, white, light pink and dark pink.

Our rose bush - apricot roses

Angel's plaque...it turned out a bit light in this photo but you can see the placement, etc.

Facing Mother's Day

There has been alot of discussion with my babyloss friends and in the broader babyloss community about Mother's Day.

What would I like other people to know about Mother's Day? 

That the number one thing I hear from my babyloss friends is they fear they will be forgotten.  Unfortunately this is probably fairly likely in many families.   Often the babies that we have lost are not counted among the family, as children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and therefore if you are a mother to only an angel baby, your motherhood doesn't count.

What else would I like people to know? 

That even though I don't care for a child on a daily basis… I'm still a Mom. I still carried my baby for 31 weeks and 5 days.  I still felt her kicking. I still gave birth. I still would have given my own life to save hers. I still think of her everyday. I am still a Mom.

May 6th has actually been marked as International Bereaved Mother's Day.  I like that we do get our own day, as we probably would get lost in the shuffle of the regular Mother's Day celebrations the following week.  On May 6th, I will be sending my love to all of my babyloss friends, my fellow moms facing the hardest journey I've ever know.

"Now that you are gone, my heart is broken. But because you were once here, it is completely filled with love."