I know the pain all too well

An extended family member passed away suddenly this week. A cousin, a son.   I cry for the family, for the parents especially. I've had a ton of flashbacks this week to the when we lost Angel, what we felt in those first few hours and days, making the arrangements, visiting with her at the funeral home, her service of remembrance.  This death has brought to the surface alot of those feelings and memories for me.  I am trying to rack my brain of how I can help the family - what would I have wanted that would have helped so early on.  I know they are likely in shock and will be for some time.

Jeff and I are going to the visitation and funeral Sunday and Monday.  I am a bit nervous about it. I know the emotions will keep flowing for me. I know the pain of this family all too well.

I also know this isn't about me or about Angel though.  This is about another young person, someone's child, that has left this earth much too soon.  His soul has joined Angel's on the other side.

Parenting decisions & a lone rose

Last weekend I did a major cleanup of Angel's garden for fall. Part of me felt bad cutting back all of the plants...I am not sure why but it made me bit sad knowing the season of bloom was officially over. I was also worried about how to protect Angel's plaque for the winter. If something happened to damage it I would be beyond upset. I talked it over with Jeff about what to do, and we worked together to cover her plaque as best we could.
And it occurred to me, this is the closest thing to a parenting decision that Jeff and I get to do right now. How can we best protect her, her memory and her keepsakes. I will never get to make normal parenting decisions for her, like how to dress her, what kind of routine should I establish, what daycare or school should she go to, what toys should I buy her for her first birthday.
To date my decisions have revolved around what urn to buy her, what kind of funeral should she have, how can I continue to remember and honour her, how can I help others through this loss, how can I pay it forward on her first birthday.
I feel so robbed. Still.
I keep waiting for it to hurt less. I wonder when I won't feel the sharp pain in my heart for her.
As I worked in the garden there was one lone rose in bloom. I find some comfort in its determination. Continuing to grow and flourish despite its environment. I suppose that is what I also need to work towards.

Angel Signs

"Most people believe our children leave "signs" for us to know that they are okay. Seeing those signs help us to keep our sanity. When we know our child is okay -- even in death -- then we can hold fast to the hope that we will be reunited with our child once again in eternity. Look for YOUR signs -- they are there! Watch for the robin in the snow, the sunshine while it's raining, the note appear from nowhere, the missing sock found laying on your bed. Your "sign" will become your peace!"

Yesterday I feel like Angel sent both Jeff and I signs that she was there.

I was at my brother in laws, standing near the door with my keys in my hand. My niece Mya who is 4, grabs Angel's heart keychain and says "I like your heart!" I reply "I know, it's pretty isn't it?" She turns it over in her hand and says "oh and it has a butterfly on it too!" Mya's mom says, "that's for your cousin Angel, remember we talked about her with you?" Mya..."yeah..."
I looked down to hide my eyes welling with tears.
It means a lot that Amanda spoke to Mya about Angel. I also believe this whole dialogue happened to let me know. Was it an Angel sign? I'd like to think so.

Later that night, Mya also noticed Jeff's tattoo, and he asked her what she thought it was.
"A butterfly! They are my favourite!"

Wall tiles

Last night Jackie hosted another face to face meet and we made wall tiles. Here is a photo of the groups work and the two I did for Angel. My baby girl continues to inspire me!

The wall

The wall exists
In our grandparents house
A tribute wall
To all their great grandchildren
All but one, the one that is missing and not discussed
Photos line the wall, with a picture of each at different ages and milestones
Seeing it there my wounds are wripped open
Again I ask myself, why couldn't she be there too?
Instead, her card from her funeral tucked away in another room
Hold back the tears, don't show the hurt, don't ruin the visit
Does anyone else realize she is missing and how much it hurts my heart?

Authentic conversations

Last weekend we had a get together at our house, with Jeff's family.  Sometimes I wonder if people get uncomfortable seeing Angel's urn and prints in the living room when we have a party, I wonder if they think it is strange or have any other kinds of judgements about it.  I don't care what they think and I wouldn't put her things away to please other people but I am just curious. Before this happened, maybe I would have thought it was creepy or weird, or clingy.   Now, I feel like I can't just banish her stuff to a closet or something.

Not many people in the family talk to me about her anymore, but one of Jeff's cousins usually does. She also had a loss so maybe that's why. Anyways, she told me how she thinks about Jeff and I all the time still and wonders how we are doing. She was worried about me when we had that big family event a few weeks ago, and she said she knew how hard it must have been to be around the kids. 

I really appreciate that there are people in my life that still think about Angel and will talk to me.  It is so rare now.  Although there is a disclaimer on that too, because if they want to talk to me in a way that passes judgement or what not, I'd rather they keep quiet!  It is just nice to know that she is thought about by people other than Jeff and I. It is also nice having authentic conversations about how we are really doing, if people are up for that.

No holiday from grief

As Halloween approaches, I am thinking of all the strings of holidays that are coming up that I have to face without Angel here.  Halloween, Christmas, New Years, my birthday....

 

At this point I am not too excited about any of it.  Frankly at this point I'd rather just skip them.  I ran across this article and it really rang true.  There is no holiday from grief and if anything holidays remind me she is not here.

____

 

No holiday from grief
by Robbie Miller Kaplan

The holidays are upon us and while many of us revel in the joy family traditions bring, for those grieving a loss, the holidays can hold little joy.

...

So what should we do for those we care about mourning a loss? Do we send cards? Buy gifts? Try to cheer them up?

For starters, it’s important to understand that grief is very individual and runs its own course. It’s not something anyone can control and the bereaved need to mourn their loss at their own pace and in their own time. Holidays are a particularly difficult time because absences are acutely felt and holidays, with established traditions, demonstrate how much life has changed.

One reader, whose family hosted a holiday meal for friends, continued the tradition the first year after his spouse’s death. But he found it too painful and accepted an invitation the next year, changing the way his family celebrated the holiday. Another reader who traditionally hosted the family holidays decided to leave town for the first holiday after her spouse’s death. Instead of taking care of the family with dinner and presents, she went to a spa and let someone take care of her. It gave her the space to recharge and rethink her role in her family and by the second year, she was ready to create new family traditions.

Your support, especially during the holidays, is important. While cards and gifts are thoughtful, your companionship might be the best gift of all. It’s helpful to initiate a discussion and ask the bereaved what traditional activities they’d like to participate in and what they might be comfortable doing. But only ask if you are willing to make changes to accommodate their feelings. They might like to stick with traditions or, they might like to create new ones. You’ll never know unless you ask.