Monkey on my back

I went for my regular doctor checkup and  I had to complete some forms with my basic health info...again even though I did it at my last annual appointment.

Number of pregnancies....1... flashback 

Number of live births....0....flashback flashback 

Have you ever stayed in the hospital overnight for treatment? Labour and still birth.....flashback flashback flashback

It is like a monkey on my back that follows me around. It eats away at my spirit and soul. How I wish I could shake it off, just once in awhile. This piece of my life that defines me in a totally different way.

Tomorrow will be 23 months since that fateful day when I found out she was gone. I can remember so many details like it was yesterday. 

My heart will always weep for her. My soul is shaken by this loss forever.

The aftermath

A lot of emotions were brought to the surface for me this week. And it all stemmed from hurtful comments made first by someone that I haven't even met and then by a family member. It is too long and complex of a story to get into here but needless to say I was made to feel guilty, ashamed and less than the people that commented on my loss and the fact that I don't have any living children. I can't even begin to explain how hurtful this was. Scabs over wounds that had started to heal (as much as is possible with a journey that is never ending) were ripped off and a lot of feelings rose to the surface. I am disappointed that I let someone else make me feel so bad...I thought at this point I could deal with the hurtful comments and judgements. I guess not. Funny, the one comment made about not being over the loss of my daughter didn't nearly phase me as much as the rest of it. I guess I am used to that now. To know that people can sit in judgement when they haven't lost their child. The other comments, that insinuated losing Angel was my fault, and I suppose that I am a lesser person than them, left me pretty floored and tears were shed. I am mad that I am giving them the power to affect me but when you hit someone where it hurts most, it is almost impossible not to feel something.

I don't really want to turn Angel's blog into a place for an angry rant but I just cannot help it right now. This whole difficult experience has led to me feeling frustrated and hurt. 

I will always protect the memory of my daughter and my love and feelings for her. Above all else.

Careless words

It has been awhile since I have felt so hurt by things that people say... About Angel or this path that I am on.

Over the past few days I have heard a few comments that have really pierced me. It makes me so sad and angry. 

In some cases I don't think it was out of malice -- just insensitive comments. Most recently though, someone said something to Jeff and by association me, that was so incredibly mean. The lowest blow. And the frustrating thing is that I barely know this person and I can't really retaliate... Not that I would but I feel like protecting Angel, Jeff and I by at least calling them out for being so cruel and insensitive. There is never an ok reason to thrash out at someone about the loss of their child and the pain that exists in this space after loss. Never ever. My heart hurts tonight.

Happy Father's Day

Right where I am - 1 year, 9 months, 29 days

For the second year, I am participating in Angie's blog round up, Right Where I am.

http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.ca/2013/05/right-where-i-am-2013-four-years-five.html?m=1

I debated about writing this post this year  as in some ways I don't feel that I am in that much of a different place. Some days I still feel somewhat lost and unsure of what the future holds. I have PTSD moments when I feel like I am reliving things. I still get sucked under the current of grief.  A part of my soul died that day with her.

But when I really reflect on it I know I have changed. In some ways I feel a lot stronger and I have learned how to cope with things as best I know how.

I have put myself out there and tried just about anything to heal. Individual counselling, group support, online support, reading and writing about grief and losing a child. Creating and tending to Angel's garden. 

I am still learning. I accept there is no end line and no closure and not to expect that.  I live in that fine balance of joy and sorrow. I grab on to the happy moments in life as hard as I can. 

I know that I feel most whole when I can be my complete and authentic self and can speak about my loss and my daughter and feel love and support. I have less time for frivolous relationships that aren't reciprocal.  I can say I have no desire to put myself in places that trigger me, like baby showers or kids parties. I am still selfish in that regard, but it is about self preservation for me and why do something that will take me 10 steps back in my journey? It is a sacrifice I don't want to make, at least not right now.

I can say that I feel Angel's presence a lot. Jeff and I have talked about this because we both do. I know her spirit is with me, with us.  I don't need to necessarily write it all down here, what I feel and how much I love and miss her...she knows. I know she does.

I know she would say to me "move forward, all will be well."  She is my "caim."

They remember

I love when people remember Angel with me. Last night I was able to speak freely about her without people cringing. In fact they brought her up without me prompting anything. They talked about my tattoo and my beautiful garden and how they wish this hadn't happened to Jeff and I. They showed true friendship and compassion. It means so very much when I can talk about my daughter and feel normal about it with others. It feels authentic and healing. I feel 100 percent myself and it really is a gift that most people can't give me. Feeling so grateful for it today. The small things make all the difference.

This beautiful space

so thankful for this beautiful space...she lives on in this beauty