Where do you go from here?

I had this question asked of me recently and the only answer I could muster at the time was "I don't know."

Life after losing Angel is a bit of a blank canvas.  Uncertain, and very blank.  What I also read recently though, which tells me I am "normal", or at least this is a normal type of reaction - is this is also a symptom of post traumatic stress, common in women who faced the loss of their baby.

Post traumatic stress includes... “numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by . . . a sense of foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span).”

This sounds pretty ominous but really what I feel is that I don't know what the future holds.  Or a future is hard to envision right now.  So when people ask me where do I go from here....I really honestly don't know.  I had an imagined future with Angel all mapped out and that map has been wiped clean.  So the best I can say is - wait and see, let's figure it out as we go.  I guess what I would ask for back, from people that are wondering this of me - is please don't ask that.  Please just be there for me, and accept whatever comes.

Angel had a purpose

Last night, I met up with a good friend that I haven't seen since Angel's memorial.  We had such a wonderful conversation, my heart feels full.   She told me that Angel's life & death has impacted her and that the memorial we held for her last August was something she will never, ever forget.  She said she talked about the experience for at least a week, to so many people in her life.  She reminded me of the message that Jeff and I tried to share that day - that life is fragile and not to take it for granted.  To be a better person.  To take a moment and think about one small change we can make in our daily lives that would help others.  Forgive someone you are angry with, donate your time or resources to those less fortunate, share a moment of compassion with a friend in need, tell someone you love them - don't hesitate, and take the opportunity now to reach out to others and make a difference.
Most importantly, my friend told me that Angel had a purpose.   And that everyone that attended that memorial service felt it and was influenced by her.


Angel, do you know how many people you have changed for the better?  I am so proud of you.  This conversation reminded me of all the gifts you have given to Jeff & I, and our friends and family.

Angel's Name in the Book of Life

At The Church of The Holy Innocents, in New York, you can have your baby's name added to their "book of life."  Here is the certificate for Angel.

One year ago today, we were blessed to learn about you

January 25, 2011

On this date, one year ago today, Jeff & I found out we were pregnant with Angel.  I remember the day very well.  We were so excited that we barely slept that night.  Immediately we began to think about how different our lives were going to be, becoming a family of three.  That night, and then over the course of the pregnancy, we started to conceptualize all our hopes and dreams for our child.  It’s funny how you can start to plan things out in your head. Not just the birth of the baby and that first year with them, but years and years down the road.  You expect this new little person to be there. For the rest of your life.  I had so much joy planning things out and thinking about the future with our little one. 

What we can’t deny is that our lives have changed because of her.  We miss her terribly and some days it hurts as much as it did when we first lost her in August.  One thing is for certain - I would do it all over again, even knowing the outcome.   I am Angel’s mom and I would never change that, ever. Angel brought us SO MUCH happiness.  And that is what I want to remember today.

__________

Still Would Have Chosen You - by Terri Banish

If before you were born, I could have gone to heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you
If God told me, "This soul would one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you
If He would have told me, "This soul may make your heart bleed", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "This soul would make you question the depth of your faith", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "This soul would make tears flow from your eyes that could fill a river", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "This soul may one day make you witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "All that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you
Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you

Remembering Angel - baby book & bear

One of the things that is very important to me, is to keep Angel's memory alive, here & now, and going forward.  I am constantly looking for tangible things that can help me remember her - like the framed prints we have for her, candles or other momentos, my tattoo, my butterfly necklace, the garden I want to create for her in our backyrad.

This week I got a couple of items that will continue to help me keep her memory alive.

First off - Dana knitted me this sweet little sweater for my teddy bear.  It is actually a pooh bear - I had been thinking of doing a winnie the pooh type theme for Angel's room.  Dana has a teddy bear for Jacob with a "J" sweater and I told her I admired it and she offered to create one for me, for Angel.  I was so touched, and I love it.  I know Dana also uses her bear in family photos, to remember Jacob and I think that is a great idea to incorporate his memory going forward.   Thank you Dana! 


Also, I ordered this baby book specifically for Angel babies this week.  I am looking forward to filling it out and making sure I have all my memories of Angel documented, so I can always look back on them.

Love, Loss, Healing & Hope - an eloquent video on the experience of losing a child

One of my babyloss mom friends, Amanda, shared this video with me today. 
It is speech given by bereaved parent, Ceil Drucker.  I thought I would post it here because it really resonated with me.  For those that can't really relate to what I have gone through, perhaps this will shed some light and offer some perspective.

http://www.nationalshare.org/parents.html

I feel like she took the words right out of my mouth and the feelings out of my heart - she eloquently describes the experience of losing a child and the aftermath of that.  Everything she says rings true for me.

The little things make all the difference

Yesterday, I met my mentor/director friend for coffee.  I haven't seen her since I lost Angel.  She actually invited me to meet her and she talked about a potential opportunity working for her, which is another story but made me feel good nonetheless - it is nice to be wanted!  It is strange how this loss impacts all sorts of facets of your life.  Losing Angel is a blow to my confidence in myself, and to know that others hold me in high regard when it comes to my work reputation and that I am "wanted" does help to reboost some of my confidence again.

What I really wanted to talk about though is how she spoke to me about Angel and how compassionate and perfect she was in acknowledging this loss.  She could have easily pretended it didn't happen and skirted around the issue.  But she genuinely asked how I was doing since, she talked about how her thoughts had been with me, as had so many of our friends and colleagues.  She made me remember the support we recieved in those horrible early days and how many people came out for us at Angel's service of rememberance.  She talked about how she couldn't possibly understand losing a child but that she knows that this has forever changed my perspective, that our daughter will live forever in our hearts and we will continue to integrate her memory into our lives as we move forward.  She said all the right things and little things, little words like this make all the difference to me.  That is all I really want from friends that want to share the journey.  Acknowledge what it is, that Angel existed and how important she will always be to me.  She also hugged me as we left.  My heart felt uplifted by the conversation.  I can't help but think that Angel has influenced so many relationships in my life, and brought me closer to many people.  In some cases, it has also led people to distance themselves, but I am so grateful for the relationships that have deepened.

I thought this photo below was the right illustration for the sentiment of this post. My heart was uplifted....
This is "a heart from heaven."