Born in Silence

Approximately 3 million babies are stillborn each year throughout the world.

In the US, that's one baby, one family, every 21 minutes.

This video raises awareness on babies born still....it also talks about the raw emotional turmoil we have each gone through as BLMs.  Grab some kleenex...

Leibster Award

Leibster Award

I have been nominated for the Leibster Award!  Thank you Lindsey at Two Boys Two Pair of Wings! I am very flattered. I have been meaning to post about this for some time and finally had a chance to do so.

 

The Liebster is an award given to bloggers by bloggers. The rules are as follows:



 
("Liebster" is a German word and it means sweetheart, beloved person, darling)
RULES:

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

1. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you.

2. Then, create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.

3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.

4. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.

5. No tag backs.

_____

My responses to Lindsey's questions:

1. Do you work outside the home? If so, what is your profession?

yes, I work for the Ontario Government in Human Resources

 

2. What song most reminds you of your Child(ren)?

A thousand years by Christina Perri

 

3. What are you most looking forward to these days?

Going to Jamaica in March!

 

4. If a genie granted you one wish, what would you wish for?

To have my daughter back, living, and messing up my house with her toys.

 

5. How long have you been married, or been with your significant other?

10 years in August 2013

 

6. What do you do in your spare time?

Blog, hang out with friends and family, read, play word games, watch movies, listen to music, work out

 

7. What resource helped you the most after the loss of your child(ren)?

The blogging world, online and in face support groups, beautiful friendships with BLMs, one on one counselling, a few books - one being "A Grace Disguised, how the soul grows through loss"

 

8. Do you have pets?

We have an aquarium of fish. I want a dog!

 

9. What is your favorite color?

Blue.

 

10. Who is the most supportive person in your life?

There are many and I am lucky, but on a day to day level my husband Jeff

 

11. If you had to live anywhere else, other than where you are currently living, where would it be?

Paris - I love the culture, the romance, the beauty.

 

My nominees are:

1) Domenica at Inspired by Karolina 

2) Beth Morey at Beauty from Ashes

3) Suzanne at Inside, Outside, Upside-Down

4) Kerry at Our New Normal

5) Tisi at Tisi's Tirades

6) Dejah at Nine Months and a Day

7) Dana at Inspired by Jacob

8) Jamie at Notes of Naya

9) Angela at Moeller's Back Home

10) yet to be discovered...

11) yet to be discovered...

Unforutnately I don't have 2 other blogs to list to complete the list of 11 - the other blogs I am following have a large mass of supporters and followers already!! So I will leave those last 2 as yet to be discovered.
 

My nominees - I follow each of you and you inspire and comfort me with your words.  Thank you for being there, and for helping me along my journey.

 

My Nominees' questions:

 

1) What is your favourite memory of the time you spent with your baby?
2) Do you have any resources you would recommend to a new BLM?
3) How long have you been married?
4) What is your favourite place to travel to?
5) If you had all the money in the world, what would you do with it?
6) What reminds you of your baby?
7) What is your favourite season and why?
8) What is your favourite colour?
9) Where do you live?
10) What do you do  (or will you do) to honour your baby on their birthday?
11) What is your biggest wish for 2013?

 

 

 

Ruth

Yesterday I received an unexpected call...out of the blue on a Friday afternoon. It was Ruth, the woman who received the memory box I donated to st Joseph's hospital on Angel's first birthday. It took me a moment to realize what she was saying but then it clicked --- and my heart broke for her. She lost her son Samuel last week, at 23 weeks.
It is beyond comprehending that women have to go through this heartache. I wish no one needed to use that box that I donated. But if that has to be the case, I am glad that it may have helped Ruth during those precious moments with her son.
One thing she said really resonated me and validated that my donation made a difference. She said when she found out her baby was gone, she decided she wouldn't hold him or take photos. Then, when she went to the hospital for induction she was given my box and read my letter. My letter convinced her to hold Samuel and take photos. She said to me how thankful she was for that advice, because even just over a week later, she realizes how precious that time was and how much she will treasure the photos.
I can't help but feel that Angel's life has touched and helped her. That is so very special to me, it has brought tears to my eyes several times just thinking about it.
To know that something important has come from my experience and from Angel's life --- well I can't really describe what that means for me.
It is healing, it is heart breaking, it is love and light.

Daruma doll

I received the most touching gift this week from a dear friend I have made online, one of the women in my support network that has pulled me through so much since losing Angel.
My friend Lauren sent me this Daruma doll all the way from Tokyo! She knew I was having a hard time around the holidays and I really appreciate the gesture.

Some Info in it:
Named after an ancient Chinese Zen Master, Bodidharma, who lost the use of his arms and legs after sitting nine years meditating in a cave, the Daruma Doll is a symbol of his self-discipline and positive outlook. Its weighted bottom and rounded shape forces this ancient cultural doll to right itself after being knocked over, teaching us to be dedicated and persistent and symbolizing our recoveries from misfortune.

The Daruma doll comes with both eyes blank. Upon purchasing or receiving it as a gift, you paint one eye and make a wish or begin a new project. The second eye is painted when the wish comes true or the project is completed.

The dolls can be purchased anytime but are often purchased around the holidays. Most are kept for only 1 year when they are collected and burned and blessed by a priest in a ritual called "daruma kuyo".

Nanakorobi yaoki, jinsei wa kore kara da...
translated into English means
To fall seven times,
to rise eight times,
life starts from now...

Writers block

I haven't been posting as much recently and in some ways I feel like I have writers block lately. I stepped into 2013 with a clear intention to try to live in the present, and to be happier. Simple as that. Some days it is still a struggle for sure. And in a way if feels selfish of me. In a way it feels like I am leaving Angel behind. Maybe I am just better at blocking out the deep sadness. I don't really know. But this intention seems to be working pretty well so far. Don't get me wrong, Angel is never far from my mind. But I am trying to be a happier me. I have overcome so much in the last 18 months and I want to just enjoy any relief that I have from the sorrow.

A little something from the grief toolbox

The guilt

One of the underlying feelings I have dealt with since losing Angel is the guilt I feel. I am her mom and I was taking care of her, she died inside of me, how could I not know something was wrong?
I should have known better, right?

I was watching a program on tv this week that talked about guilt and how to deal with this feeling.

It talked about how guilt is really coming from your ego and is a wasted emotion. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take responsibility for what has happened, and try to move forward.

The punishment has already happened. I suffered the ultimate punishment in losing Angel. So why must I continue to punish myself? For whatever reason I was granted the chance to stay here and she wasn't. As much as that pains me I can't continue to punish myself for the rest of my time here. That isn't fair to me and isn't what I would want her legacy to be.

I must give myself permission to forgive myself. Only then will real healing be possible.