Saying goodbye to 2011....

Goodbye to 2011, the year I met Angel.  A year of joy, sorrow and love. This is your year, Angel and nothing can take that away. I will carry your memory and spirit with me always.  You are so special, so dear to me, so loved.

It doesn't matter where you run to....

We spent our first Christmas without Angel in Jamaica.  I guess what I learned is that it doesn't matter where you run to....even in one of the most beautiful places on earth, my broken heart still hurt.   That being said, it helped to be in the sun, near the ocean, in a place of peace.  But the bottom line is the pain doesn't go away.


I read this post on "Sharing the Journey" on facebook, and I think it really rings true:

"A dear friend of mine said something to me that changed my view of many areas of life. She was speaking of the loss of her son... and she said something to the effect of "When I think about him, it hurts. I love it when people say his name, but when I hear it, it hurts. I've had to realize that every time I think about him, it's just going to hurt."

I was speaking with her about some struggles in my life when this came up. She said, very bluntly, "You've got to quit expecting that it will feel good when you think about or talk about the situation. It stinks. And it hurts."

I know that for many of you, the holidays are painful. I'm so sorry that it hurts. I would love to take away the hurt... but I'm not sure there's a way to do that and still leave the special and important memories behind. I can't fix it... but my heart hurts with you."

There were a few moments in Jamaica that were touching and special for me.

On Friday the 23rd, there was a beautiful gala dinner on the main lawn. They arranged for a Christmas choir to come and sing and one of the songs they sang was "O Holy Night."  This song in particular tugged at my heart and made me tear up. It is just so beautiful and hearing about the birth of a baby, and the angels voices singing, really got to me.  It made me think of and miss Angel in that moment.

I also wrote Angel's name in the sand in a couple places:

Sunset beach on Christmas Eve

Main beach on Christmas Day

Shortly after I wrote her name in the sand on Christmas Day, I saw a white butterfly. 

One evening at dusk sitting on the balcony, looking at this view, I just stared out to the peaceful ocean and spoke to Angel in my mind for awhile. I cried a bit.  A few moments later a baby bird flew by and I thought maybe it was a sign. I hope so.

As we are minutes away from New Years Eve, I wonder how I will feel leaving 2011, the year that Angel came into my life.  In many ways I don't want to leave this year.  It is a feeling of wistfulness and uncertainty as we enter a new year. I feel this same way with each new season.  What will the future bring and how can I continue to integrate Angel into my life? 

All I want for Christmas...

...Is you, Angel.  When I found out I was pregnant with you, and started picturing our future as a family of 3, I was excited to think about having you in my arms this Christmas... you would have been just over 2 months old, and I pictured how I would dress you up in something cute and how we would create new memories for our first holiday together.  We miss you very much. I wish more than anything I was holding you.  I will think of you often when we go on our trip to Jamaica. I plan to write your name in the sand on sunset beach.  I will look for you in the sunny blue sky during the day and the starry sky at night.  Peace be with you baby girl.  We love you.

Merry Christmas in heaven, Angel.

_____________

Jeff & I leave tomorrow for Jamaica.  I know for me, I couldn't really picture going through the motions of Christmas this year.  Part of me was worried that I'd have to put on a happy face for the other children in our families and I just don't have the strength to do that.   Grief still weighs heavy on me.  As a trusted confidant who has gone through this said to me, "this is f'ing hard. It is probably the hardest thing you will ever face in your life. And you deserve rewards." I think she has a point. It is important to try to find a time and a place to rest and find peace for your mind, body and soul.  So we are escaping to our blissful retreat.  I will be thinking of Angel every day, and searching for some peace in my heart.

A week of gifts continues...

I think I am beginning to realize how loved Angel, Jeff and I are.  It is not that I didn't know it, I suppose when you are isolated in your grief, you don't look around to see who is there loving you - from a distance or even right in front of you. 

I visited with Shannon yesterday and we exchanged gifts. I got her an ornament for Owen - here is a photo of it:

She got me this....a framed photo of me, her, Owen and Angel. 



I was very touched. This photo brings back many emotions for me.  The excitement of my pregnancy, the excitement of that day and meeting Owen, the anticipation Shannon & I shared about our babies.  I really tried to hold my tears when I opened it!  I don't know why because I can cry in front of her, she will always be there for me.  Shannon also gave me a Christmas card with photos of Owen, her and Nick which are really adorable.  In the card, she said that she was glad to have been there through the happy times of my pregnancy and the devastating times after I lost Angel.   It is true - she has been there through it all - good and bad, absolute joy and incredible sorrow. 

I think 2011 was both the best and worst year of my life.  The best because I met Angel, and she brought Jeff and I such joy while I carried her.  The worst...well everyone knows why.  Ultimately we have lost her from this physical world.

___________

Today, Jeff and I also met his parents for lunch. It was our holiday lunch together as Jeff & I are going to Jamaica for the holidays.  I gave Jeff's parents one of the ornaments I made for Angel, to hang on their tree.  Jeff's parents gave us this:

His mom said, as she gave it to us, "this may involve a spring project for you."  Meaning...I need to build a garden for Angel!  :-) She suggested we build one around our pine tree in the back of our yard, and hang this on the tree. I think that is perfect.  In the meantime, we will display this in our home.  Jeff's parents said they have one for themselves too, that they put in their garden and it is surrounded by rose bushes.  I can't tell you how much I LOVE that. 

Sweet Angel, you will always be remembered!

A week of surprises...heartfelt gifts for Angel ♥

My heart is feeling pretty full this week.  I have received so many gifts for Angel - expected and unexpected! I feel the love for her, and for me & Jeff.

First things first - I exchanged gifts with my Faces of Loss match Crissy.  Here is what I gave her for Kyle -a candleholder like the one I gave Dana for Jacob, and an ornament with a monkey and Kyle's name/birthdate on it. She said monkeys make her think of him :).

Here is what she gave me - an Angel bunny!  On the front there is a butterfly, Angel's name and birthdate. On my back it says "born with angel wings." Also, her weight and length are on the bum. :)  It is so cute!  Thank you Crissy for this very special gift.  I am so glad to have met you and become friends.

So onto the unexpected....

My aunt Jane from Victoria BC sent me this note and gift this week.

In the card she says that when she put this pin on her blazer she thought of me, Jeff and Angel and decided to send it to me.  My mom gave this to her when she graduated with her Masters in 2000.  She said that she is thinking of me and my family.  Here is the pin.

I was very touched by this....I cried when I opened and read it. I know that Jeff and I think of Angel all the time, and probably our immediate familes think of her often too, but to know that members of my extended family remember Angel and think of her really makes me happy. I love that they think of her and can talk about her. 

Finally, I got this card, stocking and ornament from my parents today.  

The stocking was tucked in the card, and inside the stocking was the ornament.  The card said that the stocking was for Angel and that the ornament is from my parents tree - it is a dove, a sign of peace, and looking at it closely, the dove is sitting on a branch that has three berries and three leaves - one for each person in our family - me, Jeff and Angel. 
♥ ♥ ♥ 

I love it and I am displaying this in my vase with my other ornaments for Angel.    Thank you mom and dad!

As Christmas approaches I miss Angel so much.  Receiving these gifts helps to ease the burden on my heavy heart.

The unpredictable ride of grief

I have talked a bit about the grief process and how it isn't necessarily linear. It doesn't gradually decrease as time goes on as you might expect.  What happens is, the "peaks" of grief can remain as intense, or almost as intense, however, the periods of "good times" or more peaceful feelings get longer, and the peaks of grief get shorter. If I have learned anything from this experience of losing Angel, I can tell you that grief is an unpredictable ride.  I can be functioning "normally" for hours or days, and then it can hit you.  And you have to find a private place and ride it out.

I compare grief to riding a horse.  I am actually afraid of getting on a horse.  I went horseback riding when I was younger and as the horses got close to home, they took off for the stable at an alarming speed. Riding that fast and feeling not quite in control scares me.  One of my best friends also broke her arm falling off a horse.  What strikes me as similar with grief and riding a horse is the lack of control.  A wave of grief may hit you out of nowhere and knock you right off your saddle.  I wish there was a better way to prepare for it or brace for it, but it just isn't that way. You just have to hold on as tight as you can and hope for the best.

Remembering Angel - 4 months

Dear Angel
I can't believe it has been 4 months since we said hello and goodbye. I love you and I miss you, baby girl.  I am thinking of you today and every day. ♥

_______

Last night I had the opportunity to meet up with several other moms to remember our babies gone too soon at a candlelighting event.  It was such a touching and lovely get together.  Vivian hosted it - did such a wonderful job setting it up and creating an atmosphere of love and remembrance, with music and poetry.  Dana, Jackie, Monica and Nigel were also there and it was great to see them all again.  We lit candles for our babies, and for other moms that could not be there.  I feel so lucky to have met these beautiful women and to share these kind of nights with them.  I feel a sense of peace, being given the opportunity to remember Angel, to talk about her, and to light a candle in her honour. 

Here are some pictures.

Candle lit for Angel.  I brought her hat and also the angel that Carmen gave me, as momentos.

We talked a bit last night about "signs" from our babies.  Well I think I got one last night.

When I lit Angel's candle, Billy Joel's song "Lullybye (Goodnight my Angel)" just started playing in the background.  It made me cry even more.  Not only is this a beautiful song that has meaning for my baby, but I danced to this song with my Dad at my wedding. It was an emotional moment.  If that was a sign from you Angel, thank you!

Here is the song for those that don't know it:

I lit this candle in memory, for all the moms I have met in these recent months, that have also lost their babies. 

In Memory...

Group Photos:

Nigel, Monica, Me, Jackie, Dana, Vivian

Dana and Me

Jackie and Me

____________

Dana and I also exchanged gifts with eachother last night.  Here is what I gave here for Jacob.

I also made a donation to Sick Kids in Jacob's name, and in memory of August, Cub, Madeline and Emma Grace.  I knew I wanted to do a donation to Sick Kids this year for Christmas, and I am so glad to do it for Dana and Ted, and their babies.

Dana gave me this beautiful key chain for Angel.  I absolutely LOVE it.   I love that it says "Mom" and has Angel's name on it, and I love the butterflies.  I love that it is a validation and reminder that I am Angel's mom now and always.  I love that I can carry it with me wherever I go.  Thank you Dana, for such a thoughtful gift.

4 months ago, I faced the most difficult day of my life.  I miss Angel so much. But I feel blessed to have the support around me that I need to try and make it through this.  For that, I am incredibly grateful.