Flashbacks and painful memories still hit me when I least expect it. This week at work, I was multi-tasking and focused on many different things, but in the middle of all that I had a flashback all of a sudden out of nowhere to August 10th. To one of the most painful moments. I don’t know why that happened because I wasn’t even triggered by anything at the time but it hit me all of a sudden and I had to take a moment to collect myself. Lately, more and more comes back to me about that day…moments I must have forgotten in my fog. I tried to figure out what might have prompted this particular flashback out of nowhere but honestly there was nothing. I am surprised that I don’t have control of the flashbacks still. But at the same time, this is my new life and I can’t push aside what has happened.
The other night we were driving home in the car and the song “What Sarah said” by Death Cab for Cutie came on…one of the songs that remind us of Angel.
We decided to listen to it and it was emotional. But what Jeff said was so true – It hurts to listen to it but I don’t want to skip over it either. That is how I feel about integrating Angel into our lives also. What happened, happened. We can’t go back and change things, as much as we’d like to. And it is healing to continue to acknowledge our loss, to reflect on all the memories, good and bad.
I feel this way exactly. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI had a very similar conversation with Ted the other day. He has a song on his playlist that always makes him think of Jacob and makes him sad. He said wen it ones on, he wonders if he should skip over it, but he can't. He thought about removing it from his playlist, but h can't do that either. I am glad that the pain isn't as intense for me anymore, but I kind of miss it too and feel some relief when it comes up again.
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