It is the 10th again, 11 months later and I feel sick to my stomach.
I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks to last summer lately. As much as I loved shopping for the memory box for the hospital donation, and I do hope that it will help another mom, it really triggered me and I starting thinking about all kinds of memories from last year. I can’t get the tears to stop sometimes.
I should be planning my daughter’s birthday party for October – not dreading her birthday next month.
I still get pulled to the dark place of grief more often then I would like, admit, or want to. I get angry and sad and feel disconnected. I am trying so hard to move forward positively but some days it ain’t happening.
I am/was an overachiever type of person but I can’t overachieve at battling grief. It is what it is, and I don’t have much control over it. For anyone out there who thinks its been too long, get over it – well try living after you child dies. It is not the least bit fun and some days it is the worst feeling ever.
Frustrating, hopeless, deep, deep sadness.
I automatically feel bad for writing such an angry/sad post. Why? Why should I feel guilty on top of everything else? Some days I am NOT strong and that’s just the way it is.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way....I'm right there with you.
ReplyDeleteI completely get the overachiever stuff - I used to be like that. I used to be in control of everything in my life...and with very little effort!
Since losing Karolina...I now know very little is in my control...and I can't seem to get over the grief some days.
A year...two...fifteen..fifty..will never bring us over this I don't think. As time goes on, it feels more manageable...but my heart hurts for her...I get everything you've ever written.
If you ever want to chat, please do not hesitate to email me, our girls are only two weeks apart: domenica@thehowells.ca
Oh, my heart is so sad for you. You shouldn't feel sad or guilty because you have sad days about missing your sweet baby. There is no timeline for grief... no matter what those who have never lost a child might think. I still have days when I mope around and feel very sad and upset as well. Today my son has been gone five whole months. I would love to make something for another mommy at the hospital, I just haven't yet found the motivation or time to do it.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to plan your daughter a party, you could consider having her a birthday party anyway. I am thinking of doing this for my son. I want him to have the best birthday he can, even if he's not here to celebrate it with us. <3 All of this is so very hard.
Praying for you.
Jessica
You can email me at Jessica.Stillloved@yahoo.com
Big big big hugs. Don't feel guilty. You are doing a great job, mama.
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