8-10-11

A day I wish I could forget but which has been seared into my memory.
Going into that checkup and chatting with the midwife....I had no idea how things would change in a few short minutes.
Lying on the bed, she tried to find the heartbeat with the Doppler.
She changes the batteries
She tries a different Doppler
My heart starts to race and she picks up my own faster heartbeat...but we both know it is not hers
At some point early on I ask if I should be worried and she shakes her head and says no
She didn't want to believe or accept it either
She take me upstairs to try their big machine
Nothing
Panic and shock starts to set in
We need to go to the hospital for an ultrasound
She drives me as I am pretty out of my mind with fear
I have to call Jeff to ask him to meet me there and I tell him very little, because I know he has to drive
He tells me later he cries the whole way over
Waiting and waiting for the doctor to come
Lying there the doctor looks and just says "no..."
My midwife squeezes my hand and her eyes well with tears
I look back in a state of utter shock
No one says your baby is gone
It is too hard to have those words uttered
Jeff arrives and I tell him...I can't even put into words how heart wrenching it was to do
Shocked and beyond devastated we are asked to make decisions
Jeff makes the horrible phone calls to our parents
The social worker comes to start to ask about arrangements
As one point I am left alone in the hospital room and I feel so so lost in shock, my heart is cold with fear
I don't know how we got through the next 12 hours